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Musings #1: THOUGHTS?!?

Ramblings of a Deranged Phenomenologist
Musings #1: THOUGHTS?!?

My thoughts don’t always go in a row like other people’s thoughts. And maybe other people’s thoughts don’t really go in a row. Yet, I do know some people who have very organized…in a row…straight upstanding…soldier thoughts.   I am always amazed at how they can get their thoughts to be so straight and so tall and all in a row sentence after sentence after sentence.

My thoughts form more of a tapestry with a line of color going this way and that…circling around sometimes… taking a deep dive to meet another color or a variety of colors. My thoughts are more like fibers. Some fibers are nice and thin,..very tight…and other fibers are loose and fluffy and yet most all fibers are well-constructed and very, very solid. Did you ever try to break a piece of yarn with your hands? Thought it was going to be easy, did you?

And, of course, each one of my thoughts are never just stand – alones. There are always feelings, memories, smells, other people mingled with those thoughts of mine. My feelings run the gamut of colors….purple ones…green ones…blue ones…orange ones…and magenta ones. Wow! How many times have you had magenta thoughts? You know those magenta feeling/thoughts that take you to inner places that are rarely travelled yet longed for…and often feel sooo good when you get there.

I can feel my son Joe in my magenta place. He lives there in me, since he left this earth. I can hear his laughter and feel him rubbing my neck asking if we are having linguini with clam sauce just as if he were standing behind me. It’s been 6 years now and I can still smell him…beautiful magenta thought!

Many people think as they grow older and begin to forget, that they are losing their mind or stepping into some sort of dementia when in fact, they are just beginning to learn how fluid and organic their thoughts really are.

I time travel with my thoughts. Do you? I can wander way back to my childhood and remember lying in the snow… moving both my arms to make a snow angel…looking up into a bright snow-flaked sky…while waiting for one to land right there on my outstretched tongue. Such a silly, wonderful picture!

Sometimes, though, on those not so very light and cold days, my thoughts take me down an abyss which usually happens when my life hits hard with over-whelming blows. For the most part, I work diligently to pay attention, set my intentions, being awake and aware. Yet sometimes, Yes sometimes, those angels swish me about into scary places for me to learn even more. Just when I begin to think I’ve learned enough…more comes. I don’t know whether to feel blessed or cursed. Well, in any event, away I go feeling scared, confused, helpless and even paralyzed…down the abyss…just wanting to disappear.

I remember watching an old TV show called SOAP and one character I forget who… used to just snap their fingers and “Voila” snap…they disappeared!

I like to think that I am not the only person who has an abyss. I think lots of people have one of their own unique design. I know that my abyss spirals down into the depths of my being. My abyss thoughts go something like this… It’s all my fault… if only I had…I must be a terrible person…mother…I should have never gotten married…divorced…had children…been born…then maybe, just maybe…???

My 93 year-old father still sees and talks to my mother who died 2 years ago.  He wonders why, while visiting him the other day, I was not talking to her. He thought maybe we had a fight. I told him that I could not see her like he sees her. He said ” Well, she’s sitting right there beside you.”  I said, “Thanks Pap, for letting me know.”  How silly of me not to notice.

Whether time traveling, or visiting my loves who live on a different plane or spiraling down my abyss to reclaim myself from the bondage of decades old judgements and self-reproach, I weave my tapestry of life through my feeling thoughts and feel very grateful that I am able to eventually return home to my own-most self!

How about you?

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